You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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