i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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