nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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