The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
