just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We need a shit load of segways right now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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