they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
