Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
