We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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