11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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