we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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