I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I need a burrito and a hug.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
