Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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