why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
