Got a toothbrush?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
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Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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