I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
