Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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