She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
