I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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