Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
