FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
