I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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