sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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