upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
