now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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