I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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