why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
