I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
