tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
