I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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