So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
