Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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