I accidentally burped into my bong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
