i just had sex bonerless
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
