You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
