Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
she pinky promised me she was 18
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
