so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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