Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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