btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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