i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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