Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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