i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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