hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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