overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
