Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
