Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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