I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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