Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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