i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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