So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm always down for nudity.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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