Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
