My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
