I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
