She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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