I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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