went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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