Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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