Did you just see the Batmobile???
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
