genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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